


All Comes Down

by writingbygab



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, F/M, One Shot, Rollisi, This... is lowkey sad, You Have Been Warned, admission of feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-15
Updated: 2020-07-15
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:14:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25288891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writingbygab/pseuds/writingbygab
Summary: TW: Gun ViolenceLosing someone is hard, healing from that loss is harder. A month and a half later and Amanda still remembers that night like it just happened.
Relationships: Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr./Amanda Rollins
Comments: 3
Kudos: 34





	All Comes Down

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this because I hadn't written anything in a while and just wanted to practice a bit. I had no clear intention of what it was going to be or what would happen. Suddenly I had this. It's something completely out of my comfort zone but I'm pretty proud of it.

Amanda’s tongue was becoming numb from the alcohol. The vodka soda could’ve been water and she probably wouldn’t know the difference. Probably.

The bartender was making eyes at her all night. However, she wasn’t sure if it was flirty, or concerned, or maybe a mix of both. He did consistently ask if she needed a refill, and her mind wandered to the possibility of staying till close and seeing what happened if she tested her theory.

She looked up at the TV as the news-reporter simply talked about the progress of the re-modeling of Laguardia. Must have been a slow news day. It’s been a consecutive twenty-two days since they have mentioned the incident. It both comforted her and killed her that time was moving on and memories were starting fade.

“Another?” The bartender asked motioning to her glass, his dark eyes and his darker hair actually enlightened the smallest spark in Amanda’s chest. The smallest feeling was intoxicating.

“One more.” She said handing him her cup. “‘Preciate it.” She smiled, putting on her infamous southern charm for the heck of it.

“Let me know if you need anything else, later.” He said tapping her off with a smirk. It is sort of nice to know that she still got it.

As her lips reached her glass her phone started to ring. She already knew it was Liv, but she pulled her phone out of her pocket and looked at it anyway. Lo and behold, Olivia Benson’s name appeared on the screen.

She declined the call, silenced her phone, and put it on the bar screen-down.

“Crazy ex?” The bartender nonchalantly asked her. 

Amanda just stared at him confused.

“That’s the third time your phone has rang.” He said, simultaneously pouring two wine glasses for a couple across the bar. “And the third time you haven’t answered.”

She grumbled before taking another sip, “Something like that.”

“Hm.” He simply responded before walking the over-priced wine to the couple.

Amanda watched him and studied his body. Muscular. Hairy. Probably in his late thirties. He has a tattoo on the back of his neck that looks like it goes down to his back. He _would_ serve as a good distraction. 

He looks back over to her and they lock eyes. They share a look that Amanda has shared multiple times with men in her past. One that silently speaks that they will be seeing each other naked tonight.

She grins and sips her drink as he comes over and tells her that they close in an hour, but he knows a bar a block over that’s open all night. 

The bar eventually starts to clear when the time passes. She and her distraction don’t talk much for the rest of the night, but his presence is weirdly soothing. She can silently pretend she’s not alone in a hole-in-the-wall bar drinking away her misery.

He calls last round, but Amanda decides to hold off. She wants to feel as much of this as possible. She hasn’t done this, or has even been up for doing this, in a long time. The first spark that started in her earlier starts to buzz.

Suddenly, though, reality knocks her straight over the head when the news comes back from commercial.

“Breaking News. The shooter arrested for the supreme courthouse shooting almost two months ago that killed two and critically injured three has been convicted of murder in the first degree. Sources say that he has a direct connection to an assistant district attorney that died at the hands of -“

_ Suddenly, reality went black.  _

_ Then transported her right back to that moment. Like she never left. She’s in his office again. She could smell the stale coffee, see the mountain of paperwork on his desk, hear him complaining about the Muhlenburg case. Suddenly, a shadowed figure comes in, screams something, takes three shots and leaves. Her cop instincts immediately kick in, she’s about to go after the mystery shooter, but Sonny says her name. It’s small. It’s weak. Both of them know what is happening. _

_ She kneels down. The bullet wound is right under his heart. It would be a miracle if it didn’t hit an artery. _

_ “No!” She screams. “No!” She repeats again and again. _

_ “Amanda, hey, shhh.” Sonny immediately starts, because it would only be fitting that _ he  _ calms  _ her  _down during his own death. _

_ “No.” Amanda says, holding his face in her hands. Another person in the room is calling a bus. But again, they both know. _

_ “It’s not supposed to happen like this....” Tears start running down her cheeks and landing on him. “We’re... we’re supposed to finally admit we love each other one day.” She laughs slightly through her tears, the once terrifying confession seeming so minuscule now. “We’re supposed to live together. With Jessie and Billie and have even more kids together.” _

_ He struggles under the wound but he still laughs a bit. “Well... betta' late than neva'.” His own eyes are starting to get watery as he reaches for her. “Tell me more.”  _

_ She lays on the ground next to him. As if they’re laying in a field looking up at the stars together instead of spending his last moments bleeding out in his office. She hears screams and more gunshots down the hall. _

_ She grabs his hand.  _

_ “You’d move in. Jessie and Billie would be beyond happy... and Al wouldn’t be at all surprised...” _

_ He manages a laugh. _

_ “None of the squad would be either. They always knew. I always knew. That’s why I didn’t ever want to rush it... I just...  _ knew _.” _

_ “Me too.” He softly says, squeezing her hand. _

_ “We’d get married shortly after. We’d have a Big Italian Wedding on Staten Island. Jessie and Billie would both be the flower girls. It’ll be a huge celebration. Then we’d honeymoon somewhere up north. In the mountains somewhere, just the two of us. But then we’d come back to New York, to the life we already love. We’d live happily ever after. Like... a goddamn fairytale.” _

_ They lay there together for a bit. Holding back the tears, trying to ignore the inevitable truth that suddenly sealed their fate. Relishing and imagining what could have been, together, if only for a moment. _

_ “Amanda... I-" Carisi winces in pain. _

_ She sits up, trying to soothe him. “Shhhh it’s okay.” She brings his hand up to her face. “I’m here.” _

_ “All of that... And I know you know but... I love you. And I’ve been in love with you, for so long... I guess I prob-bly shoulda said somethin’ before...”  _

_ “Shhh, I know.” She says running her fingers through his hair. “Carisi, you taught me what it is like.... to be loved. To be cherished. Even when... you didn’t have me. I really can never repay you for that.” _

_ He smiles, even as the blood starts to bleed heavily through his shirt,  _

_"Kiss me."_

_ She smiles back and leans into his lips. It‘s unbelievable how nice and comforting it is, it's unlike anything she's ever felt before. The pain of the years they missed gone for the slightest moment. When she embraces him, she’s home. _

_She pulls away as she feels him drift away from her. “I love you, Dominick. And you might_ not _know this, but_ I _have been in love with you, for so long.”_

 _ The slightest smile beckons his face. Suddenly the grip he had on her hand loosens. The EMTs burst in and pull her away. One assures her it will all be okay and they need _ _to evaluate her. She knows though, nothing will ever be okay again. _

“Amanda?... Hey... Amanda?”

The colors of reality come back. It’s a month and a half later and she’s back in the bar. She looks at the bartender who she was a minute away from sleeping with and feels disgusted. 

She quickly runs outside without any explanation of changing her mind and decides to just keep running. Suddenly, she’s in front of the courthouse where she lost him. She hasn’t been able to go back inside since.

She sits on one of the outside steps, pulls out her phone, and dials the number she has been calling non-stop this last month.

“It’s Dominick Carisi. Sorry I couldn’t answa’ the phone. Leave a voicemail or call my office numba’ at 212-555-9000. Thank you.”

_Beep_.

“Hey, Sonny it’s Amanda. I’m... I’m just so lost. I don’t know what to do without you.” She should probably be crying, but at this point, there are no tears left. “I love you. I beat myself up everyday for not telling you sooner. I loved you. I love you.”

_Beep_.


End file.
